Jokes
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!" A bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!" "No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!" "What started?!" "Nevermind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!" Finally, the bartender asks:"Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!" And the man goes: "Damn,! It's started..."
Two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
A Man took a Lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they went to a show. The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at the door he said "I Had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?". She agreed and the date was made. The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it she slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned "What was that for?" he asked. She said: "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'"
The M1 walks into a pub, bustling and shoving people out of the way, slams a tarmac fist down on the bar and demands a pint of lager. "Lager now! I'm the hardest stretch of road there is and I want lager! I've got eight lanes, two rock hard shoulders, a tasty central reservation and more bridges than I know what to do with". "OK, mate", says the barman, "You're a big fella, no-one's disputing that and no-one wants any drama - one pint o' lager coming up". "'Bout time...". The M1 collects his pint and rumbles into a booth in the corner, muttering expletives and staring out the other patrons. Five minutes later, the A27 dual carriageway breezes in - "Evening Barman, I think I'll have a... "FUCK OFF!" screams the M1 from the corner of the bar, leaping up and approaching the bar. "Piss off, ye soft, narrow, southern gett - mekkin me sick.." The A27 beats a hasty retreat and rolls off down the street while the M1 returns to his booth, muttering darkly, cats eyes flaring. "Fuckin M1, me..." Five minutes later a long thin strip of red tarmac wanders in and heads towards the bar. The barman starts to panic, expecting a major traffic incident. The other patrons edge towards the door but then they notice the M1 eyes down, shaking in the booth, fiddling with beer mats and chain smoking. The red strip orders a G&T, quaffs it neatly, "Cheers, guv", and heads out the door. Later, the barman's wandering round the bar collecting glasses and comes to the M1's table. "Thanks for not causing any bother there, mate - much appreciated". The sheepish-looking M1 says: "I'm not messin' with 'im, he's a fuckin' cycle path".
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM !
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?" She slowly nods her head yes. "What are you doing?" he asks incredulously. "I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house." "Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asked dumbfounded. "Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left?
They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she to the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come".
Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.
It was little Johnny's first day in school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole." "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?"
The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
Q: What's the one thing worse that a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Piss off!"
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some R&R. So Friday afternoon he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Three worst Chinese torture tests
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying
"3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read "if you can make my horse laugh ill give you a free beer." So a guy walked in and said " i'd like to try," and the bartender showed him to the horses stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and the man came back and said " he's laughing, where's my beer?" The bartender was suprised and went back to check and sure enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer. The bartender asked " how did you do that?" and the man said "its my secret'' and left. The next day the Bartender saw that his hose was laughing non- stop and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this he put up a sign saying " if you can make the horse cry ill give you 2 free beers." The same man walked in and said " i'd like to try" and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough he said " the horse is crying, now, give me my free beers." The bartender was suprised once again and went back to the stall to check, and sure enough the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, " how in the world did you do that, will you please tell me." The man said " ok, ok, ill tell you .
"First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second time i showed it to him."
A Panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he's downing his pint he looks across and sees this fine woman and the end of the bar so he pulls up a stool next to her. He chats her up and the next thing he knows they are getting on like a house on fire.
Then the panda says: "God, I could do with a bite to eat", and in reply the woman asks him round to his place for a meal, and being the randy Panda that he is, he readily accepts.
Back at her place after a fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another and the Panda ends up having sex with the woman.
In the morning as the Panda is about to leave, the woman says to him, "Hey wait a sec, I'm a prostitute". Seeing the baffled expression on the Panda's face she tells him to look it up in the dictionary.
So the Panda looks up 'Prostitute' and the definition says: "Takes money for sex".
After reading this the Panda relaxes and says "Thats alright because I'm a Panda", the woman confused at the relevance, looks up Panda in the dictionary and reads the definition:
"Eats shoots and leaves".